Half a Canyon

Currently:

Listening to Best of Regina Mix made for John who as fallen asleep next to me.

My neighbor Adam told me his greatest regret from college was not doing more of what he wanted to do. I think I wasted most of my first year living a life I didn't want to live. Of course, it was secure and that's what drives much of our actions, I believe. Yet, my uncle says that people will always do what they want whether they know it or not. I'm not sure if that is completely true. I know it's true for many when it comes to asking for advice. I think people ask for assurance and when they don't hear what they want they disregard it. I want to stop doing that. I want to take into account the advice I ask for especially when it doesn't match what I was hoping for. Had I listened to my friend's and mother's advice early on when it came to past relationships I could have skipped a lot of stress and frustration. However, had I never experienced those relationships I'd never be who I am now.

I had an odd dream the other night.

I started school at OU. All the buildings were far apart so the walks were long but set in a permanent fall sunset which was far more enjoyable rather than annoying. All of my friends from Loveland were enrolled too and at first everything seemed alright. I began to wander around on my own though and found myself in an empty building. I explored the vacant rooms until I came across one with a skinny, white Irish man in it. He was sarcastic about everything. he seemed annoyed that I could understand his accent as this was how he liked to fuck with people most of the time. I told him I was used to it because of my father's drunken Irish banter. He said, "You're an odd cookie." He smirked and then walked towards the door never taking his eyes off of me. He exited and told me to follow. I hesitated but he was the most interesting person I had met thus far so I did as he asked. Around the corner I ran into the chest of a muscular stern black man with glasses and suspenders.

"Cassandra," his voice was so low! "What am I going to do with you?"

"I don't...know? I don't even know you!"

"Oh, you will. You and I are going to become very close whether you like it or not."

"Ooooh Kaaay buddy, I think I'll head out now. Class is about to begin and I've already missed breakfast."

"Ah, no. Come with me. In to my office."

"I'd ask where your office is but I'm not coming so I won't bother."

"If you don't come willingly you will be forced to, so don't make it harder than it has to be."

"What? You can't make me do anything I don't want to do."

"Jasper!"

In comes the Irish guy, throws me over his shoulder and takes me to a HUGE open room: high ceilings, wide windows, and a single desk and chair in the center. The black man is already there, waiting.

"Cassandra," he begins again, "You are among the thoughtfully disturbed. We won't tolerate this behavior. It must change. Don't worry. There are many like you can we can help. Just let us in."

"ah...what did you say? "thoughtfully disturbed?" Oh brother. Listen, I won't go wandering on my own again into forbidden parts of campus if that's what this is about."

"Cassandra, this would have happened no matter what. No matter where you wandered. We always find you because you always come. The thoughtfully disturbed cannot resist curiosity."

"We'll 'ake good caer ov ya dumplin'!" exclaims Jasper.

I giggle.

"Alright. Let's say i play along. What happens?"

I am transported to a very open, beautiful orange room. The bed is orange. The curtains are orange. The rug, the walls, the desk and chair. Then I notice the HUGE orange bookcase. My own fucking library! I walk over and an orange note suddenly appears in front of my face before I can reach for a book. It reads:

Cassandra,

You no longer need to attend class. A mind like yours needs to be fed its own desires. It requires more complex stimulation. Please use the library provided. Read as much as you like, whenever you like, whatever you like and request more using the applications in the box on your desk. We hope this will help in your recovery.

Sincerely,

Dr. B and Jasper

So, I do what they tell me to. I read. I read and drink my endless supply of juiceboxes.

Eventually I am allowed a night out. I am introduced to the other "thoughtfully disturbed." This group includes Lauren, Jake, Henry, John, and Adam. We embrace each other. We decide we like being thoughtfully disturbed and would never want to be any other way. We are all in love with each other. We discuss what we've been reading and play "stimulating" games and dance.

Later I am allowed another night pass. I decide to visit my old Loveland friends. At the party I am bored. i attempt to start conversations about the books I've been reading but they are disinterested. I try to start a dance party but they look at me like I'm a lunatic. I introduce games but they call all of them stupid ideas. Nothing feels right. The thoughtfully disturbed show up and take me away.

I am crying and being held by Lauren and John as we walk back to the mysterious building and my orange room.

"We can't go back, Cass. They'll never accept us now."

I wake up.